From the Orifice Of The Playpen

 
Hello guys and gals,

It’s summertime, and I love it. It pisses it down with rain at least once a week and it keeps the noisy bastard kids indoors. Jesus, that’s what playstations and gamecubes were invented for. For kids to get fat and stupid on, why oh why do the kids insist that just because the sun is out that they have to be outside jumping singing and SCREAMING they’re fucking lungs out. Yes folks we live in an area with LOADS of kids, and in these long hazy days of summer when the kids are out of school, it makes my life hell. The rude and shouty shits are out “having fun.”
Any who, enough of the grumpy ole bastard, here’s to good news for us men. (About bloody time if you ask me) It all began one night whilst in bed. Linda and I were lying there trying to fall asleep (shush Cait!!!!) and seeing as I have this thing about silence we were listening to the radio. When all of a sudden the word MASTURBATION rings around the room. You could hear our ears prick up at the mere hint of the word… We aint perverts or nuffink it’s just that we were listening to Radio 4 on the BBC (think NPR with A royal edge.)
To say it surprised us is an understatement, it damn woke us up. And I am glad it did.

We intently listen to the report and found out that my whole porn filled youth was not a wasted affair. It appears that Masturbation could help prevent Prostate Cancer.
You can read the Yahoo news report here.

In brief the wonderful Aussie scientists have discovered that masturbating 5 times a week between the ages of 20 and 50 could significantly reduce your chances of contracting Cancer of the prostate. Which leads me to several thoughts…

• Will Repetitive Strain Injury now be classed as a sexually transmitted disease?
• Will you be able to claim for your monthly Porn allowance through your HMO
  or the National Health Service?
• Will prostitutes become HEALTH workers?
• Will Matt Lauer and Katy Couric be doing an in depth piece on Today with the best
  strokes to use to prevent PC? Will there be models demonstrating the methods? (Let’s see
  the Fundamentalist Christian’s shit they’re pants at that one)
• Will the British term of “You Are A Wanker” now become redundant or be used as a
  praise worthy statement.

Just thinking of it makes me proud that I am a wanker. I know I am doing my bit to help me. Screw going to the Gym, sod the prostate tensing exercises 3 times a day, I am going up to the bedroom pull out an old issue of Playboy (one with twins in) and tug myself to healthiness.

Parent’s just a word of warning, if you catch your son pulling his pud, don’t fear.. he read this article and is just helping himself to a long life. Don’t try and tell him that he’ll go blind… I’d rather be blind than have a donut wrapped around my urethra stopping me peeing… and forget the old adage, “you’ll grow hair on your palms” they don’t give a fuck, they will borrow dads razors… problem solved.

In all seriousness, If this works (and even if it doesn’t) I wholeheartedly suggest all the men reading this to get out there and help themselves, and a quick note to the wives reading this… We love you and we cherish you but if you catch us bashing the bishop, choking the chicken, and protecting the prostate or even just plain old HAVING A WANK… it’s just that, we are extending our lives so we can spend more time in our old age doting on each-other. If it bugs you that much that your old man is upstairs playing with his old man on his own take the hint and join him… have fun.

Oh well that’s it for this month… just as a bit of shameless plugging I now have my own domain set up. www.phurwood.co.uk. Come over and take a look… but be warned the pictures aren’t all up yet.. as soon as I can I will update them.. promise.

Until next time….

Keep your cuffs on the bedpost and your eye on the door.

Paul and Linda.

I was born Linda Sue DeZarn to a couple with four other living children. Our family was poor as far as money went but we were rich because we had love and each other. I am now 47, mother of two daughter's and proud grandmother of six beautiful grandmonsters; the four oldest being boys and the babies are both girls (took long enuff for the girls to show their pretty faces).

I met Paul Hurwood (aka miskin) online in Excite's Virtual Places (where I also met Cait) in a chat room called Ninian's Poetry Cafe. Had it not been for some of the people in that room I would not be here today. I have led a long hard life most of which can be read in my writings.

 
Linda's Poetry Pages

• Dedicated to the man of my dreams

by Miskin for Linda
• Stronger Than Steel
• In Honour

Linda

Hi there folks. My name is Paul, and I have vital statistics that resemble the national debt of several third world countries combined. As you probably know Linda is my wife and you know the story so I won’t bore you all with it again.
In the words of Joshua one of the grand monsters “I AM A FREAK” and pretty much proud of it too.
I will try pretty much anything once and if I like it or it’s bad for me I will probably try it a couple more times just to make sure. I don’t like to take things to seriously, life is way too short.
Art wise I pretty much like anything that pushes the boundaries of either taste or experimental. My main passion is Old Time Radio, it helps to stimulate the brain and gets you thinking again.

I do occasionally write poetry but I am not a perfectionist. I write what comes into my mind and just see what happens. I think that this the honest way of writing. If it doesn’t make sense it's no biggie as far as I am concerned.
My influences come from all over the place… I get moods from Pink Floyd or whatever is playing on my cd player at the time and the Goons… a wonderfully anarchic mix of surrealism and comedy… if you get the chance try them out.

In closing I want to tell you my motto in life. It’s really simple and when things go wrong and you’re not sure what to do….

FUCK IT

The translation is down to you.

Keep your eyes on the door and the cuffs on the bedpost

Paul